Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership

As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, largely pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I begin seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.

Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many gay men have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, frequently resulting in significant heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.

Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate various forms of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs in your current state could easily shift in the future; eventually you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. One day you might meet someone offering a life-changing chance for you through mirroring your desires completely … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over the future and playing endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and recognize the value of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.

• The psychotherapist practices as a American psychotherapist focusing on addressing intimacy issues.